I know I have to do it- as much as I don't want to, I have to. I hate the fact that I have to do this, but because I love them that much, I want to make sure that they go somewhere that someone's going to know how to take care of them and love them as much as I love them.
I have to give up my ferrets- my babies. At first, I had the wild idea that I might be able to find an apartment that would allow me to keep them there; but I don't have full time status yet, so that would be a major risk if I weren't able to make the payments; not to mention, even if I was making enough, it would be just enough to scrape by- so if there was an emergency concerning one or both of them, I wouldn't be able to save them.
My boyfriend has basically become tired of having them in the apartment and says that neither of us devote enough time to letting them out or taking care of them. According to a site I've gone to once concerning the cute little guys, letting them out for three hours is pretty good in order to let them out and exercise their curiosity and stretch their legs. It is once in a while that I am unable to come over at all for the night in order to let them out- I let them out anywhere from an hour to a couple of hours.
He also can't stand the way they smell anymore- granted, yes, poop is not going to smell fabulous- there's a reason why we flush it down the toilet so that it's not contained in the home. But I feel that I've been pretty good about keeping up with their care for the most part- yes, I've dropped the ball here and there, but aren't there two of us? Considering I'm the one who gets to travel from my home to take care of them? It takes me a grand total of maybe ten minutes to scoop their litter pans, twenty if I'm scrubbing the litter pans down and changing them out completely. And then a couple of hours to play with them- I had been under the impression that he wanted to keep them and would help me take care of them and let them out every chance that he could.
It was only under this impression that I ever considered taking them over to his place and out of my parents' house. Because my parents had expressed quite strongly that they aren't fond of ferrets, but because they understand Bonnie and Clyde are so dear to me, they'd allow me to keep them at home unless I got back together with my boyfriend- in which case, I'd have to find a home for them elsewhere; whether with him at his apartment or another place.
Of course, given the situation, my boyfriend felt terrible about some of the stuff that happened earlier this year and resulted in us breaking up; he said that he wanted us to work out and that I shouldn't worry so much- I should take a leap of faith with him.
I had told him that if I had to find alternate housing for my babies that I would be mad enough to take on the devil, whether I'd win or not.
That was back in June when I finally decided to take a chance and transfer my ferrets to his apartment- and now it's mid October. He's said that he had been holding his tongue on the subject for a couple of weeks now- but he's tired of them being at the apartment, he says they smell and they keep him up when he's trying to sleep. Said he's had the patience of a saint and just can't take it anymore, that it isn't fair to him- and he says that I don't come over as much to take care of them.
Granted, with my job, I'm not quite as available as I was before- and there are times when I'm just utterly exhausted- but I don't want easier (he said it would be easier without them); when I come over and see their little faces, it gives me a sense of peace- and I want to let them out on my lunch hour, but I can't because there isn't a guarantee that I'll be able to round them up in their cage quickly in order to get back to work in a timely manner- especially with the style bed that my boyfriend has. The bed basically has spots where they can hide- spots that are a bit difficult for me to get to, so I have to lure them out. And that's if they're not completely tired and ignoring me- pretty much it takes patience to get them out from under there.
They're my babies. You're not supposed to give babies back or away- and when I got Bonnie, I took her from a place where they had her cooped up with two older ferrets. The two older ferrets were basically bored and picking on her- a kit at a mere two months old. She was crying out from being bullied and hurt; and I couldn't stand it. I never wanted to have any possibility of her being in that position ever again- and I can't help but think that if I hadn't moved them, that possibility would have been further away than it is now.
I love both Bonnie and Clyde so much that I was crying as I wrote a nearby ferret shelter. I'm so afraid that they'll break them up- they've bonded from an early age so they pretty much rely on each other. I feel like I'm carving a piece of my heart right out of my chest and sending it to someone in hopes that I can entrust them to take care of them and love them as much as I do. I'm still crying over it- I haven't cried in a while, and now, I just can't stand it.
Idealistically, I'd love for them to simply be fostered together- I'd work my freaking tail off to pay off my debt in hopes that I could get a place to keep them again. And in the future, I'd want to foster other ferrets who need a loving home- there isn't another ferret that could replace Bonnie or Clyde in my heart because I see them as individuals, but I would love any animal that I care for because I suppose that's in my nature. I love animals- most of them, anyway. I can't take care of an animal or play with it without coming to love it. It's the same with children- I still miss some of the kids who were at the preschool I used to work at- I loved those kids. But those kids were never mine, so I understood that by leaving that job, I had to leave them, too. But Bonnie and Clyde are mine- they're my babies- and I'm extremely resentful and upset that I have to give them up. I understand that if my boyfriend relented and allowed me to keep them, then he'd be the one to feel resentful and upset- so there's really no win-win situation here.
I just don't know what to do- I was so excited and scared about getting my own place, but I have a feeling in order to keep a place, I'd have to get a second job- and then I wouldn't be able to give them the kind of time they need and be able to rest enough to keep it all together.
But giving them up- having to perhaps say goodbye to them forever? I can't stand the thought of that- I can't stand the thought of saying goodbye to an innocent creature that I love; that I have to give up- they didn't do anything wrong that I'm aware of, I've paid for their food and litter and haven't asked anyone for help in caring for them financially- my bills have been paid on time for the most part, and I've even helped my boyfriend out financially in some aspects.
It's not a matter of money when it comes strictly to them- and if I made enough, I'd go out and buy a house right now for them- I'd do it without a second thought. But keeping them housed on my own would be my issue. I can pay for their food and water and everything else- but now that they're out of my parents' home, they can't go back.
He told me that perhaps I could pick out a cat if he can afford one after getting some of his debt paid off. I shot back that no cat would ever replace them- and I still stand by that. Nothing will ever replace Bonnie and Clyde in my heart- they're firmly stuck there, and they're staying there. Just like any other animal that I've come to love- there is no such thing as replacement when it comes to a living thing that I've come to love. No such thing- to me, it'd be like trying to replace a human being. An animal is just as individual as a human- they have their little quirks. Just like my babies.
I'm terrible at handling goodbyes in this fashion- my mother can see that I'm obviously not alright, but she made a good point- having them at that shelter will give them better care in the sense that there will be two people caring for them instead of just one.
I know that it would be enough for them to find a loving home and to live out their lives happy and together with their loving family- that would be enough- if I could be sure of that, I'd have some sense of peace. If there were room for more, I'd want it to be me- I want to be able to be the one to adopt them finally after I can get everything else settled down and get to a point where I wouldn't have to give them up ever again. Them or any other animal.
I have a problem with trust if you haven't noticed.
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